I didn’t realize that I wasn’t a virgin until the day, after coming home from Grade 1, I finally worked up the courage to ask my mother what sex was. I remember experiencing a strange sinking feeling as she calmly described to me some vague approximation of the terrifying ritual which a group of older boys I knew had been forcing me to perform with them for some time. When I started to become acquainted in later years with the world of feminist activism, I immediately felt alienated by the ways in which mainstream feminist movements approached things like sexual empowerment and body acceptance. Almost 10 years later, the face of popular, “sex-positive” feminism seems to have changed very little.
Such a powerful article. It brings up issues around sex-positivity that have been on my mind a lot lately and that I feel should be more widely acknowledged.
Sexual empowerment is an extremely complex issue that goes way beyond “OWN YOUR BODY OWN SEX NO SHAME”. For anyone lucky enough to feel 100% comfortable with themselves and sex, good on you. Sometimes it takes a while to get there, and if/when you do, it’s truly fantastic. It’s a long road for many, however, and even more never get there at all.
Because sexual abuse and early-life sexual shaming and confusion are so common, I find some aspects of sex-positive feminism hard to appreciate. “OWN YOUR BODY. OWN SEX. OWN IT. NOW. DO IT. SEX IS GREAT. YOU’RE GREAT. DEAL WITH IT”. I am absolutely against slut-shaming, but when I see a young girl flaunting her bits in public, there is a part of me that feels genuine fear for her. My reasons for this are, a) why does this already beautiful girl feel the need to find validation in strangers desiring her sexually? What happened there? and b) we live in a predatory society. I’ve had gross experiences where I’ve been preyed upon, as have so many of my female friends. It sucks that as girls and women we are so easily targeted, no matter how we dress or choose to present ourselves. There will always be people – either also traumatized or simply machismos staking their claims – who feel the need to dominate and demand ownership over others in their various, often scarring ways. I think a girl can dress however she wants, but good god please be safe. Please be smart.
I think the reactions of some people to sexual exhibitionism come from a place of legitimate fear. It’s not just people yelling “SHAME”, it can be victims crying “PLEASE BE CAREFUL”. There are people, many many people, who have been so wrenched apart by sexual experiences that sex-positivity is wholly alien to them. Some thought needs to be given to these people before we DEMAND that women empower themselves sexually, and before we cry “SLUT SHAMER” each time someone raises a slight note of caution.
I have two small daughters and arming them with a healthy sexual self-image AS WELL AS methods to protect and defend themselves AS WELL AS the smarts to make their own choices when things get weird is THE top priority for me as a mother. Life is beautiful and terrifying, I want them to feel capable and secure, and I’ll be damned if either one of them ends up seeking the bullshit approval of anonymous creep boners.
im so fucking sick of seeing people (predominantly men) on blogs, tumblrs, dating websites say the words
OH AND I LOVE GIVING ORAL TO A GIRL BY THE WAY
when you first meet them -
and especially if you reply “oh great, yeah that’s cool” and they say
NO NO REALLY I LOVE EATING PUSSY.
Great pal. you, me and a bunch of other people in the world love eating pussy. its not something amazing you know? this isnt 1976 where a guy eating pussy in a porno was really crazy and out there, in this day and age its pretty stock standard that if a chick puts your cock in her mouth, you should probably make some sort of effort for her clit.
if you like going down on a chick then nice. if you dont, fine cool, as long as you and whoever you are with are into whatever situation you want. I dont even give a shit if you DONT like going down on a girl. not all girls dig licking penis, it happens.
just stop expecting me to give you a fucking badge.
Anonymous asked: You really believe if women just stop caring and women start supporting other women it will change? You're so naive.
Do I believe it will change things like waving a magic wand and abracadabra peanut butter jelly sandwiches everything is fixed?
I think its funny you call me naive for being positive for change. I think that is the attitude that will prevent us as a society moving forward.
Women supporting other women in their self identity is paramount to change. Misogyny starts from within, it is deeply ingrained into so many peoples mindset from a very early age, male and female alike. It certainly was in my mindset growing up, with women I looked up to having to conform to societal ideals and imposing those ideals upon me.
How great would it be to have a world where one woman never says to another woman “you slut”? in a derogatory way? This acceptance of negative images of women by women is a huge part of the problem.
I believe that a push to see women supporting other women will see an eventual reduction in overall misogyny. And have an effect when those women come in contact with males, or have sons, or influence students in their classrooms, or explain to their partners how it is not acceptable to accept that kind of negative feminine imagery.
so, im really conflicted on how i feel in regard to photographs of women wearing hijab, niqab or some sort of burka covering on their faces but then posing nude from the waist down.
part of me thinks its “white people” wearing said garments and trying to increase arousal or sales (depending on its context, pornography high end fashion, as seen in a gaultier campaign)through shock value. which frustrates me. “hey whitey, you dont understand what it means to people that adhere to the veil for religious reasons”
then sometimes i will see a picture of a girl that appears to be muslim raising a skirt and showing some vagina. and im like “dude, your dad would be so disappoint right now”
On one level i feel like, who cares, they can wear whatever they want, show whatever they want, as long as they are happy. that is my true feminist speaking. i believe in a womans right to wear, think, do as she pleases, even if she is being influenced by societal ideals, we all are.
but on some deeply ingrained level i find it really confronting and disrespectful to people that believe in wearing the veil for religious or cultural reasons. i feel like flaunting and ridiculing something they hold in such a high esteem really cheapens their beliefs, creating a society where we do not care about any one elses moral structure.
BUT THEN i will see a picture of a girl masturbating with a virgin mary statue and i can not batt an eyelid. (i was raised catholic fyi)
am i being influenced by my middle eastern upbringing? am i being influenced by the western worlds new age double standard for religions that are “novel” or “new” to them? (ie buddhism is a-ok, christians suck).
shouldnt all religion be respected/disrespected equally?
does any of this even make sense?
Anonymous asked: how old were you when you had it? and did the father know?
ive actually had two terminations, one was a pregnancy I was in denial about which I miscarried anyway (one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage, but dont go hoping for that as the flipside is three in four pregnancies dont end in miscarriage), during I was given the option to try to save or to have a D&C. I chose the latter. I was 18, the father knew I had been pregnant and had advised me that he did not want a kid (he was also 18) and left town. He did not know that I chose to terminate till we started talking again on facebook years later.
The second was far more “abortiony”. I was dating a guy that was six years younger than me. I was in my mid 20s. He was really supportive and while totally freaking out that he didnt want a kid said he would do whatever was needed no matter what I chose. I chose to terminate the pregnancy, because having a kid with someone that was totally not ready to have a kid was the wrong choice for me. I could have easily supported the kid on my own at this point in time, but I personally never really want to have a child with someone that was reluctant. If and when I have a little person I want them (and me) to be totally excited and happy and prepared you know?
I will admit the second time was really hard, but I feel I made the right decision for my situation.
If you need more talky talk, hit me up.
If you are pregnant I do suggest you talk to someone, a counsellor, a doctor who can refer you to a womens centre or a children by choice type organisation. Having a chat to a “professional” to sort out your feelings is really helpful, even though at the time you might feel like talking to a stranger is the last thing you want to do.
this was written a million years ago. i dont know if it is even relevant to me anymore, but im going to keep it here for you jerks to read. feel free to talk to me about it.
That original post was written on the 29th of September 2010. I have since thought about this topic many many times, and I have a few more things to add. Yes, rough play can be awesome. Yes, abuse is fine (and fucking awesome) between consenting adults. But, it IS still abuse. Just because we consent and enjoy it doesnt negate what it really is. And when this abuse is unsolicited, then it is actually pretty gross and wrong.
THE GAME OF SEDUCING A SUBMISSIVE WOMAN;
BY “THE WHORE”
this is going to be a longish post that will deal with words like whore, slut, cunt, bitch, and how I often love to hear them whispered into my ear as I get pounded from behind, my arse being slapped hard till it feels red raw, my throat fucked till my eyes water and I whimper knowing drinking water later will hurt. It will also discuss the matter that I dislike it when strangers refer to me by these terms.
I encourage you to skip reading, move on to the pretty pictures with their semi ironic, definitely arousing, often entertaining descriptions. But, if you ever hope to fuck me, or any girl like me, or if you are a woman, contemplating where you stand on the matter, read on.
I have been considering writing a post like this since I began this page and its time.
My name, THE WHORE, in big letters across your screen, seems to give men the idea that referring to me as a whore, a slut, their dirty little bitch, in the first sentence of introduction is perfectly acceptable. They use these names for me when introducing themselves, if they should assume that I will bow down to them, be magically aroused by their ability to call me names, these men (or women) are strangers, with no face, on the internet, across the oceans, through cables and cords. One man sent me a message, out of the blue, telling me he wanted to thrash the shit out of me, daily I get messages from people telling me they wish to beat or humiliate me, purely because I have an image of being wanton, which is really just a personification of being comfortable with sex.
It is the internet equivalent of a man on the street yelling to a vanilla woman “SHOW US YA TITS”. Its not hard to introduce yourself first is it? To warm me up with a bit of sweet talk? Convince me that you aren’t a creep before we partake in a little fantasy? And it IS fantasy.
As I said earlier, I love being often treated roughly. I have the roughest of fantasies that can make the skin of the hardest crawl, I want to be fucked till I bleed and I will get wet at the most creative names my partner could come up with. But you my gentle reader, my favourite strangers, you, are not that person. You might become that person one day, who knows.
Becoming a Daddy or a Master or a Dom or whatever fucking label you wish to put on it isnt just about commanding a slut or a whore to bow down to you. (not that i want a daddy or master or dom, and not that i wish to be a slut or a whore).
Its about the slow game of seduction. Why the fuck isnt there romance in these things anymore? Just because I may choose to LET YOU, maybe ONE DAY call me these things, do we forgo the burning heat of convincing me to be yours? Where has the (and I hesitate in using this word because of connotations) grooming gone? The gentle loving manipulation, the fucked up mind games, the little slow movements back and forth while we slowly figure out what we want from each other?
You may refer to me as “The Whore” in terms of my name on here being that, but you will note, that I will rarely refer to myself as that unless my message is to a person that I know understands the subtlety, or the comedic value of my name.
Its late, and I am tired, and Im not sure if any of the above really makes sense, and Im sure i could rant on till your eyes roll back in your head and you declare OKAY WHORE WE GET IT (ahaaa whore).
Just think on what Ive said.
and for fucks sake. seduce already.