posting Hitler stuff to your tumblr is like so totally 1941.
conversations with a bestie
- him: so you think "hey baby let's go into the back room and get violent to some pre-love-symbol-Prince" is a good pick up line?
- me: it's pretty much the only thing that could win me over right now.
9.54am monday
- i cant tell if this conversation means im in an awesome relationship or terrible relationship.
- him : what you doing?
- me: procrastinating. wanna have sex?
- him: cant, have to finish this thing by 10.30
- me: ok. dont come into the lounge room then im going to masturbate. youll interrupt my orgasm i just know it.
- him : cool. just let me know when youre done then.
- me : love you
- him : love you
"YOU CAN’T UNFUCK SOMEONE."
— the whore, on making sure you want to before engaging in coitus.
"I just don’t get mermaid movies that are written by humans. Obviously if mermaids were writing the films they would the mermaid girls fall in love with the mermans! It’s like every human that’s written about love having the girl fall in love with an alien or a talking monkey. Merepeople are totally misrepresented in our culture. I’m sure they just wanna make out with other mer’s and rub their little tails together."
— the whore (don’t give her wine)
conversations with a bestie - bad news edition
- bestie: is a big jerk. and a firm believer in proximityfucking
- me: what is this, proximityfucking??
- bestie: he falls into relationships with girls because they are nearby
- me: how do i get his number?
conversations with a bestie - virgin mary and anal
- him: sometimes i feel really guilty if i get her to have anal.
- me: its cool. just recite hail marys in your head while you pound away.
- him: wait, wasnt mary a virgin?
- me: ah huh. dont know you all those girls in school that took it in the ass so they could keep their Vplates? and apparently mary is praying for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.
- him: *nods* amen.
conversations with a bestie
- me: you can totally tell that guy is kinky.
- him: ah huh. you know how you can tell? all balding or bald men are into the most messed up shit ever. seriously, I've never met a man with hair that didn't want to date rape or spank someone
- me: ohhh. you're going to be such a fucked up deviant in like five years if that's the case.
- him: ......
"Sometimes, I wish you were my real boyfriend."
— the whore
some of you may not appreciate this…
but masturbating when on your period can srsly be a challenge.
"It’s been so long since I’ve had amazing sex, I’m starting to get aroused by huge buildings and the facehugger from Alien."
— the whore
"
The person I’d like to have really rough sex with? You mean rough sex or like ROUGH SEX. Oh i see.
Then id say Johnny Knoxville?
Yeah. Definitely. That guy could probably give me a run for my money. Backhand for backhand. HOW ROMANTIC.
"— the whore, answering a question at the dinner table.
"man i masturbate to some weird shit."
— the whore
"I’ve dabbled in the vaginal arts."
— the whore, when asked by her niece “just how lesbian are you?”
