— the whore
- Him: remember when you were like "hey I'm a giant lesbian now"
- Me: I've never identified as lesbian what are you talking about?
- Him: fine remember when you were like "hey I have been eating out girls in public like in the McDonald's carpark and in the corner at gigs"?
- Me: yes?
- Him: you were so much more fun then.
- Me: *nods slowly*
- him: her vagina kinda smelled like a roast beef sandwich.
- me: ...... wow. I guess there are worse things it could smell of.
- him: no I mean literally, like she had rubbed a roast beef and gravy sandwich all over it.
- me: well, at least tell me you were hungry?
- him: dude. when did you forget im a vegan?
- me: another example of why vegans are boring.
- him: ......
- me: how does she always manage to look like a dishevelled prostitute from the 17th century?
- him: i dunno. probably her parents. white guilt. copious amounts of opiates.
- me - there's this part of me that wishes I was a guy so I could get a blow job from a girl with a gap in her teeth so I could see if I could still get some ejaculate through when she bares her teeth in that fake smile when I come on her mouth.
- him - tell you what, next time I'm getting a blow job from a gap toothed girl I'll try it and report back.
- me - you're such a good pal.
- him - don't tell my girlfriend.
- me - she has amazing teeth that girl. shame.
posting Hitler stuff to your tumblr is like so totally 1941.
— the whore
- him: so you think "hey baby let's go into the back room and get violent to some pre-love-symbol-Prince" is a good pick up line?
- me: it's pretty much the only thing that could win me over right now.
- i cant tell if this conversation means im in an awesome relationship or terrible relationship.
- him : what you doing?
- me: procrastinating. wanna have sex?
- him: cant, have to finish this thing by 10.30
- me: ok. dont come into the lounge room then im going to masturbate. youll interrupt my orgasm i just know it.
- him : cool. just let me know when youre done then.
- me : love you
- him : love you
— the whore, on making sure you want to before engaging in coitus.
— the whore (don’t give her wine)
- bestie: is a big jerk. and a firm believer in proximityfucking
- me: what is this, proximityfucking??
- bestie: he falls into relationships with girls because they are nearby
- me: how do i get his number?
- him: sometimes i feel really guilty if i get her to have anal.
- me: its cool. just recite hail marys in your head while you pound away.
- him: wait, wasnt mary a virgin?
- me: ah huh. dont know you all those girls in school that took it in the ass so they could keep their Vplates? and apparently mary is praying for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.
- him: *nods* amen.